PleaseConvinceMe Blog: Can We Sin in Heaven?

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PleaseConvinceMe Blog: Can We Sin in Heaven?

Comparison is the thief of Joy

Comparison is the thief of Joy - Dwight Edwards...

I feel as though I could sit and think about this quote for days, maybe weeks, and ponder the myriad of ways this holds true. All it takes is looking at my 'closet' (hole in the wall really), turning on the television, listening to Pandora, looking at Facebook, or walking out the door and I can subtly find myself discontent...or grandly. I hate admitting this. Really I do because it reveals that I am in a weak place. I used to think I was better than this. Actually, I think I was - at least in a better place. It was during a time that Grace rang loudly in my ears. As time and flesh would have it, they seemed to have become deafened, or at least desensitized.

But before you think I am poo-pooing all of these methods of communications and self expression, please know that I am not. I don't believe that it's inherently bad, quite the opposite actually...just that it has the power to amplify wounds already within us and, well, steal our joy in a way that we may not be paying attention. I for one, am becoming increasingly aware of it again and am trying to figure out my place as it relates to technology. Which is partly why I've not posted much lately.

In particular, I am curious of the present and future research on the effects of Facebook, blogs, and twitter, etc in this idea of comparison and thievery. Oh my goodness! Even as I type this I find myself robotically checking FB status updates. *hand slap* Seriously. I can do this without realizing it and without realizing its effects on my spirit. How do you feel when you get off FB or after reading a blog? Do you feel connected? Uplifted? Encouraged or inspired? Known? I can feel these things but I can also feel like a voyeur of sorts. Generally, but not always, I'm seeing the 'good' stuff... or what seems good to me, or what that person believes to be their good stuff. I'm often left wanting what they have in some way... Am I the only one? Or am I reading the wrong stuff maybe?

No, really with FB, tweets, blogs, etc people have created their own personal 'spin' on their life. For the most part it is a micro form of marketing, is it not? It is in large part how the Kardashian's can make $65 million in a year in our society. We're so curious, we want to figure out how we measure up. At least to those we care about, by those we give power to as people of influence in our life. In the name of connectedness, information, and aspiration are we really hurting ourself somehow by following? These days people are able to gain power and influence... and at alarming speed, whether they deserve it or not and whether they want it or not. And, quite simply, some of us are better at it than others.

I'm not knocking it though. I covet it really. That's kind of my whole point. I want what they have; to be heard, but I struggle to believe myself worthy. Now this is terribly embarrassing to admit, because it feels weak - but it's my truth. What's lying underneath this is that I want to be known and validated. I do not believe that this is a bad thing to desire. I believe that this is a God given void, and ultimately God filled. Yet being followed by mere mortals in some way seems evidence of validation. Look how many "likes" they got. I believe this is ultimately not truth, but this is where my struggle lies. There is the tension with this newfound technology between my spirit and flesh. And dare I say that I do not think I'm alone?

Following others status or blogs is just another new way for me, and I'm guessing others, to feel inadequate. I find myself reading others stati? status? statuses? and blogs and measuring. And then when I attempt to write my own...oh MY, the insecurities and feelings that rise up and choke the voice (voice = joy) out of me. So I don't, for fear that they are incomplete, are not clever or flattering, or have been or will be said better by someone else. These are the messages I send myself, often unbeknownst to me. It is quite the feat just to hit "publish post" and pray I spelled everything correctly....like feat. Let alone maintain my authentic voice, my truest self as I know myself to be in this moment. But like everyone else, I am on a journey. I can only do my part in expressing myself as I am presently, with both known and unknown shortcomings included. As I do so in this way, I can only hope that I am not causing anyone else to inappropriately feel discontent, while embracing my own joy. I am not worthy of anyone's covet, and on my better days I do not wish those feelings upon anyone. At my core, my sincere ache is to walk side by side, hand in hand, voice with voice, and ear to ear "as is" on this journey with you.

Sidenote...If I'm going to continue this, I am going to have to work on brevity. (:

Son of Laughter

Currently, I am reading this. I don't remember why I checked it out. I know that I was browsing online at the Library for parenting books, yet I can't remember how I found this particular book. I would certainly not want to emulate much of the parenting skills found here.... Anyway, it called to me in some way. Maybe because it 's authored by Buechner, of whom I would like to believe is a close friend though we've never met. Maybe it was because my son's middle name is "Laughter" aka, Isaac, which is who the title is referring. I am not sure. But what I do know, is being half way into it I am loving it. It makes me uncomfortable, it is thoughtful and though provoking. It is providing skin and guts to a biblical narrative I've heard numerous times and it's as though it's through the eyes of Jacob. Fascinating.

BP

I have tried not to pay too much attention to the BP oil crisis, it overwhelms me. I have seen pictures and the occasional news report but I don't stay and linger long. It makes me kinda queasy... All I can do is keep coming back to the same question, "How can something like this happen?". In this day and age, when we have technology that allows us to watch a movie on our phone, when I can educate myself at the push of a button and within seconds have access to multiple resources, or when we can view our babies in 3 dimensions and have an operation while still in the womb, how can something like this happen? As I know you know, this list could go on and on. Technology is amazing...however it is still invented, manufactured, and sold for our convenience and for a profit. Large sums of money are not spent on 'just in case' or 'if all else should fail'. I do understand the bottom line. But what about doing it, just because it's the right thing to do? Even if it's costly?

In BP's case, before things were ever built, a solution and several backup plans should have already been in place, right? Maybe they had some, and they just backfired? I don't know... I'm sure there are things that I can't understand. But it seems like such a lack of foresight and possible integrity are involved. Are there not intelligent individuals that could have foreseen such a tragedy?

Not that long ago I watched a documentary on the Apollo flight to the moon, and was amazed and impressed at the amount of thinking, planning, integrity, and ingenuity that went into the preparation and the flight itself - which is ultimately what saved the astronauts lives. In the case of the BP spill, who was the person, or persons, that new this could be a potential problem, but either said nothing, or brushed it under the rug? Was the expense of the back up plans too much? And if so, did anyone stand up and say, "Well then, maybe we should not proceed???" Eleven human lives were lost, along with wildlife and livelihoods - life... gone. Just like that.

I am not usually one to get all wrapped up in preventative plans, or blaming people for unforeseen consequences. I sincerely believe that this way of thinking can create a crippling attitude of fear. However, it seems that even my small brain knows that water and oil don't mix... I'd like to think that I would have suggested, "We should not proceed..." Possibly I am thinking too highly of myself.

I am trying to have grace for the BP CEO and leadership. It seems I can be merciful and forgiving to a gossip, an addict, a prostitute, murderer, adulterer, lier, and cheat even if these things were done to me (in due time) ...but, for some reason when it involves a corporation or systemic wrongdoing - I truly struggle with extending any type of forgiveness. I understand, know first-hand how broken we all are. Yet for some reason when it, or 'we', become a company, a regime, a kingdom - I find this type of brokenness - greed, pride, and silence much more difficult to forgive. Maybe it's because a system looses it's 'face' and it's just too overwhelming; the intimacy of dealing with an individual is lost, because too many are involved? Maybe it's just the idea of misused power that affects me so, and it just messes with my sense of balance - of which I have a very high value. But of course grace isn't offered to equal the offense...at least not as Jesus gives it. It surpasses it. Grace does not equal balance. Does anyone else struggle in this way?

At this point, I think I have gotten to a place where I do not wish ill will towards BP and it's leadership. I don't wish for anyone to boycott, at least not yet. Essentially that hurts people not responsible for this and would potentially re-vicimtize the people that BP has already hurt. All I know for now is that I do hope that once the deluge of oil has been halted; that the truth will be revealed, appropriate accountability and consequences will be dealt, and fair restitution is given... and on an intimate level we will all see our own brokenness amidst this mess, be humbled, and learn something from it.

LOST

So, it's been a while.... since I've blogged and since the LOST Series Finale aired. It hasn't taken me that long to digest the ending, just that long to be motivated to devote energy to it. Needless to say, I was disappointed and I am ready to admit it. I've come no further than I did within days of viewing it and I refuse to watch it again. I've read a few reviews, but have mostly kept to myself about it. Apparently, much to my chagrin, I'm not one of those unruffled non-chalant people that can say "I don't need it to be resolved" - because, sigh..., I do. And the response "it's all about the characters, their growth and connections" is hogwash - for me anyway. I love a well developed character/ensemble as much as the next literary snob, but I am not convinced LOST accomplished this. I found the ending to be over-simplistic and cliche, and down-right sappy. And I usually love sappy!! I will not deny that I got teary when Sawyer and Juliet 'found' each other again, as well as some of the other reunion moments. I did. However, I am the tin-man and scarecrow combined. I have a heart and a brain that enjoys being used. And it enjoys watching creative types use theirs.

Maybe my brain is just too small. Or, my synapses never developed the neurological path that allows me to appreciate the story as intended. I am at a loss to see any genius or brilliance... other than I took the bait. I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. Congratulations on that, Adam and Eddy. I believed there was a purpose since I was told it had an "end". I believed there was going to be a "Sixth Sense" kind of moment at the end that would create this audible gasp around the world that I wanted to be a part of and it would make me want to watch the whole series again. Yet,...I liken the LOST fiasco to a lengthy relationship with a lot of hinting, flirting and teasing, all suggesting that there is something fan-TAS-tic behind the mystery, and then when you finally go on a date...nothin'. Fizizzle.

It seems as though the writers were like a couple of pre-teens that wanted to write a 'story', if you can call it that, that would include anything and everything their little brains could muster into it. It began with a crash, developed multiple characters with backstories, tossed in several random sci-fi elements with a dash of turns and kinks, black smoke, and a polar bear. But an ending? Ummmm.....

Well, anybody can do that. No, really. It's as if LOST was just this long conversation of "what if" stories that I often hear my 9 year old son and his friends pitch. They go back and forth with scenarios, trying to out-imagine each other, but as they attempt to finish them they have great difficulty making them satisfactorily plausible or they simply can't, and they move on to the next "what if?". But, even nine-year olds realize when it's going no-where, gets bored, and move on to their legos. Sure it was fun to imagine. To entertain some possibilities and to have the conversation can be dreamy. But to invest time, spend money on, draw millions into it, and market it as something other than it is? Well, I kinda feel exploited. ...Ok, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but you get the idea right? My conclusion is either they didn't have what it took to pull off a true ending and copped out, or it was all one big fat JOKE and they never intended to have an ending. Maybe it was just one big social experiment to see how long we would watch?

Again, I'd like to think that I don't need everything answered. I'm actually pretty sure that I don't. Geez, though, I need a context to let it all fall under so I can draw my own conclusions. I don't even believe I got that - other than they were on an island, oh and there were people and a plane. At what point they were living or deceased is in question - but yes, there were people there nonetheless, an island and a plane. Yep, of this I am sure. Ta-da! That's as far as I've gotten... seriously. Everything else is up for grabs.

Each time I attempt to answer one question, it causes everything else to change - and it's overwhelming. It's a jigsaw puzzle with 1000 pieces and 70% of the pieces are in my possession and 1/3 are connecting somewhere. 1/3 of the others don't seem to go anywhere. The ones that are connecting to another are intermittent. Some pieces can connect to multiple pieces, but not all of them at the same time. A majority of the edge pieces are completely missing, and there is no picture on the box to refer to. To top it off, I'm pretty sure there are additional puzzles mixed in. Sound impossible? Indeed.

Adam and Eddy, I didn't watch this show so I could go write my own. I watched it because I thought someone smarter than me was going to be able to make chaos, seemingly, make some sense in a magical way. I don't want to have to go back and re-watch the entire series to make sense of it. I don't believe it's possible here. I've already given you enough of my life. If you had done your job - I should have at least understood enough that I would want to go back and re-watch it. But I don't... so I won't. I will forever remain ______.

Nitpick

So, I am sitting here typing with mayo on my hair and a shower cap over my head. Can you gues why? If you guessed, then I would assume that you have encountered the adventures of nit-picking, a.k.a. lice. Ugh.

We've done the generic verision of rid a couple of days ago. Now we are trying mayo - which it sounds like we should've just started with. Washed many an item (and will continue to), vacumed some of the funiture, put animals and all princess clothing in bags in the basement.

I soooooo get where "nitpick" was born.

Teeter-totter

I'd like to think of myself as balanced. Much of my efforts and energies are spent on attempting balance in my life. I have spoken proudly of it to others, possibly even arrogantly... However, most recently I am beginning to question the consequences of this type of living. Am I missing out? Have I inadvertantly deadened myself? Am I living to the fullest? What is "fullest" anyway? How is that determined?

I have begun to question this because I am in a desert of sorts, a mid-life crisis at the age of 36. Nothing particularly exciting is occuring presently. No adventure for myself that I can forsee on my horizon. The sun actually seems to be setting, my brain hardening. Did I mention I am 36? When I think back to the times that were exciting and fun, when I felt alive - there were risks involved. Some were not even "good" times - but I felt alive and life was, well... UN-balanced. There was a crisis, or a catalyst that forced change, movement...something. There was also something to move towards. As I write this I fear some terrible event blindsiding me or someone in my family, and I will wish that I never even thought such things, let alone typed them out. However, I know that I do not long for pain...but growth. I crave movement. I imagine my life as a teeter-totter working so hard to stay level and just letting go to see where it takes me. Except I can't find the handle bars to know where to put my feet up... and I fear the obvious - hitting bottom.