Broken?

Over the last week I have heard two different men say, "Everyone knows they are broken." I did not prompt this response, they just came up in the context of what was being discussed. And it's been nagging at me...really? Maybe I am off or maybe my definition of "knowing ones self as broken" looks very different from theirs. I'm still trying to figure it out at the moment and don't have the energy to do so just yet. But I would like to hear your thoughts, definition, etc. Got any?

My daughter told me a boy told her friend that she smells.
She told him "That's not very nice." He replied, "Why are you always so kind?"
In the moment I was proud of her for attempting to protect her friend, confront the wrong, and speak her mind.
However, I was also taken back by the boys choice of words...kind.
He didn't say "nice"...and I am grateful.

Nice announces to me "successful" socialization, an appeasing others attitude, with a shallow and spineless understanding of any truth; to put it frankly, a cowardliness. There is death in it.

Kind declares to me, thoughtful, helpful, merciful, honest, and alive with grace. It rings like a bell in my ears that maybe my daughter gets something, that so many us don't or have lost. Kindness speaks as an expression of the tension between the truth and tenderness. It acknowledges the broken and still see's the beauty. It's the harder higher road.

And it's lovely, especially on her...

So I was inspired by this...and I thought that I would try my hand at
"What I know". Though I am not ready to do the "spoken" piece just yet...

I fear death. I fear explosions. I fear that I will be evaluated and determined to have had no value.

I fear expectations placed on me, of being misunderstood. I fear seeing pain in my children and husband's eyes.

I hate death.

I hate war and I hate lies... because death is imminent.

I dislike interruptions, injustice, intolerance, ignorance, arrogance, extravagance, vengeance, substance...abuse.

After many years of drought, I finally enjoy a good cry.

I am fascinated by the physics of people: their choices and others response to their choices.

I often choose transparency, even when it throws you for a loop.

I choose cheese. I choose bacon. These items together makes any food edible.

I choose design. I choose order. These two things makes any space palatable.

I enjoy good writing, despite my own inadequacies. I enjoy a good conversation, despite your inadequacies.

I delight in pop-ups and puppets, kittens and kites, bubbles and Brooke (Waggoner), ranunculus and calculus (nah).

I covet those who can pull off a good prank, have a sixth sense for being "present", and has the constant and consistent energy of the Tortoise.

I experience a sense of peace when I take in the glow of a tree after a rain, sit at a creek, sleep in...

My heart skips a beat, two and three for my red headed trio. My brain turns to mush over the concept of Grace.

I am unfortunately more aware of my stomach's presence than ever. My feet believe they have so much more to do.

This is me for now and has been, but I reserve the right to change for later or sooner.

So, what do you know?

PleaseConvinceMe Blog: Can We Sin in Heaven?

Thought this was an interesting post and wanted to share.

PleaseConvinceMe Blog: Can We Sin in Heaven?

Comparison is the thief of Joy

Comparison is the thief of Joy - Dwight Edwards...

I feel as though I could sit and think about this quote for days, maybe weeks, and ponder the myriad of ways this holds true. All it takes is looking at my 'closet' (hole in the wall really), turning on the television, listening to Pandora, looking at Facebook, or walking out the door and I can subtly find myself discontent...or grandly. I hate admitting this. Really I do because it reveals that I am in a weak place. I used to think I was better than this. Actually, I think I was - at least in a better place. It was during a time that Grace rang loudly in my ears. As time and flesh would have it, they seemed to have become deafened, or at least desensitized.

But before you think I am poo-pooing all of these methods of communications and self expression, please know that I am not. I don't believe that it's inherently bad, quite the opposite actually...just that it has the power to amplify wounds already within us and, well, steal our joy in a way that we may not be paying attention. I for one, am becoming increasingly aware of it again and am trying to figure out my place as it relates to technology. Which is partly why I've not posted much lately.

In particular, I am curious of the present and future research on the effects of Facebook, blogs, and twitter, etc in this idea of comparison and thievery. Oh my goodness! Even as I type this I find myself robotically checking FB status updates. *hand slap* Seriously. I can do this without realizing it and without realizing its effects on my spirit. How do you feel when you get off FB or after reading a blog? Do you feel connected? Uplifted? Encouraged or inspired? Known? I can feel these things but I can also feel like a voyeur of sorts. Generally, but not always, I'm seeing the 'good' stuff... or what seems good to me, or what that person believes to be their good stuff. I'm often left wanting what they have in some way... Am I the only one? Or am I reading the wrong stuff maybe?

No, really with FB, tweets, blogs, etc people have created their own personal 'spin' on their life. For the most part it is a micro form of marketing, is it not? It is in large part how the Kardashian's can make $65 million in a year in our society. We're so curious, we want to figure out how we measure up. At least to those we care about, by those we give power to as people of influence in our life. In the name of connectedness, information, and aspiration are we really hurting ourself somehow by following? These days people are able to gain power and influence... and at alarming speed, whether they deserve it or not and whether they want it or not. And, quite simply, some of us are better at it than others.

I'm not knocking it though. I covet it really. That's kind of my whole point. I want what they have; to be heard, but I struggle to believe myself worthy. Now this is terribly embarrassing to admit, because it feels weak - but it's my truth. What's lying underneath this is that I want to be known and validated. I do not believe that this is a bad thing to desire. I believe that this is a God given void, and ultimately God filled. Yet being followed by mere mortals in some way seems evidence of validation. Look how many "likes" they got. I believe this is ultimately not truth, but this is where my struggle lies. There is the tension with this newfound technology between my spirit and flesh. And dare I say that I do not think I'm alone?

Following others status or blogs is just another new way for me, and I'm guessing others, to feel inadequate. I find myself reading others stati? status? statuses? and blogs and measuring. And then when I attempt to write my own...oh MY, the insecurities and feelings that rise up and choke the voice (voice = joy) out of me. So I don't, for fear that they are incomplete, are not clever or flattering, or have been or will be said better by someone else. These are the messages I send myself, often unbeknownst to me. It is quite the feat just to hit "publish post" and pray I spelled everything correctly....like feat. Let alone maintain my authentic voice, my truest self as I know myself to be in this moment. But like everyone else, I am on a journey. I can only do my part in expressing myself as I am presently, with both known and unknown shortcomings included. As I do so in this way, I can only hope that I am not causing anyone else to inappropriately feel discontent, while embracing my own joy. I am not worthy of anyone's covet, and on my better days I do not wish those feelings upon anyone. At my core, my sincere ache is to walk side by side, hand in hand, voice with voice, and ear to ear "as is" on this journey with you.

Sidenote...If I'm going to continue this, I am going to have to work on brevity. (:

Son of Laughter

Currently, I am reading this. I don't remember why I checked it out. I know that I was browsing online at the Library for parenting books, yet I can't remember how I found this particular book. I would certainly not want to emulate much of the parenting skills found here.... Anyway, it called to me in some way. Maybe because it 's authored by Buechner, of whom I would like to believe is a close friend though we've never met. Maybe it was because my son's middle name is "Laughter" aka, Isaac, which is who the title is referring. I am not sure. But what I do know, is being half way into it I am loving it. It makes me uncomfortable, it is thoughtful and though provoking. It is providing skin and guts to a biblical narrative I've heard numerous times and it's as though it's through the eyes of Jacob. Fascinating.

BP

I have tried not to pay too much attention to the BP oil crisis, it overwhelms me. I have seen pictures and the occasional news report but I don't stay and linger long. It makes me kinda queasy... All I can do is keep coming back to the same question, "How can something like this happen?". In this day and age, when we have technology that allows us to watch a movie on our phone, when I can educate myself at the push of a button and within seconds have access to multiple resources, or when we can view our babies in 3 dimensions and have an operation while still in the womb, how can something like this happen? As I know you know, this list could go on and on. Technology is amazing...however it is still invented, manufactured, and sold for our convenience and for a profit. Large sums of money are not spent on 'just in case' or 'if all else should fail'. I do understand the bottom line. But what about doing it, just because it's the right thing to do? Even if it's costly?

In BP's case, before things were ever built, a solution and several backup plans should have already been in place, right? Maybe they had some, and they just backfired? I don't know... I'm sure there are things that I can't understand. But it seems like such a lack of foresight and possible integrity are involved. Are there not intelligent individuals that could have foreseen such a tragedy?

Not that long ago I watched a documentary on the Apollo flight to the moon, and was amazed and impressed at the amount of thinking, planning, integrity, and ingenuity that went into the preparation and the flight itself - which is ultimately what saved the astronauts lives. In the case of the BP spill, who was the person, or persons, that new this could be a potential problem, but either said nothing, or brushed it under the rug? Was the expense of the back up plans too much? And if so, did anyone stand up and say, "Well then, maybe we should not proceed???" Eleven human lives were lost, along with wildlife and livelihoods - life... gone. Just like that.

I am not usually one to get all wrapped up in preventative plans, or blaming people for unforeseen consequences. I sincerely believe that this way of thinking can create a crippling attitude of fear. However, it seems that even my small brain knows that water and oil don't mix... I'd like to think that I would have suggested, "We should not proceed..." Possibly I am thinking too highly of myself.

I am trying to have grace for the BP CEO and leadership. It seems I can be merciful and forgiving to a gossip, an addict, a prostitute, murderer, adulterer, lier, and cheat even if these things were done to me (in due time) ...but, for some reason when it involves a corporation or systemic wrongdoing - I truly struggle with extending any type of forgiveness. I understand, know first-hand how broken we all are. Yet for some reason when it, or 'we', become a company, a regime, a kingdom - I find this type of brokenness - greed, pride, and silence much more difficult to forgive. Maybe it's because a system looses it's 'face' and it's just too overwhelming; the intimacy of dealing with an individual is lost, because too many are involved? Maybe it's just the idea of misused power that affects me so, and it just messes with my sense of balance - of which I have a very high value. But of course grace isn't offered to equal the offense...at least not as Jesus gives it. It surpasses it. Grace does not equal balance. Does anyone else struggle in this way?

At this point, I think I have gotten to a place where I do not wish ill will towards BP and it's leadership. I don't wish for anyone to boycott, at least not yet. Essentially that hurts people not responsible for this and would potentially re-vicimtize the people that BP has already hurt. All I know for now is that I do hope that once the deluge of oil has been halted; that the truth will be revealed, appropriate accountability and consequences will be dealt, and fair restitution is given... and on an intimate level we will all see our own brokenness amidst this mess, be humbled, and learn something from it.