The seams of my brain are coming apart stitch by stitch.
I'm a cliche and am disintegrating into the mist.
I believe I have held too loosely to things, and the little I had is drifting.
Drifting to God know's where...the land of the pathetic I suppose.
I fear I have been lost in myself for years.
Where I once saw a line in the sand, I now see only erosion.
Where I once could declare who I was, I somehow seem to know less or
...care less.
I am bored with myself, my aches, my thoughts.
In these present moments I see only comparison and envy, and all the qualities that I don't possess.
I've been here before, and have come back bedecked and bedazzled-
what now seems like a past reincarnated and lovely self...
Shouldn't I be farther in this life by now?
I'm supposing the Maker needs to rip and frazzle for a reason.
I'm surprised by how much I've seen of him lately and I wait in suspicion of his workings.
My ability to trust has been shaken again, because I have been shaken.
I feel as though I have no beginning or end.
I am a vague mess, at best conspicuous
at worst ...invisible.
2 comments:
I went thru a very bad period, from this past February right thru May, when it seemed as if I had lost the benefit of every lesson I'd learned over the past 30 years of struggle and was back at square one. On top of that, I did a couple of things that I couldn't believe were ME, if you know what I mean, so my head was spinning. The thing is, all thru this process, maddening and confusing as it was, I had an intuition that it was necessary, that I was being helped in a crazy way by having to endure this.....and suddenly everything just got better in a flash, like when you wake up well the first day after a long illness. What's my point here? There is so much STUFF in us that we can only face up to and heal at exactly the right time....and when that time comes we just have to hang on with teeth and claws and just trust that we are being transmuted....that the lead in us is being turned into gold. But the process can be so ugly and embarrassing. You just DECIDE to trust, whether you FEEL trust or not....because the alternative is just nothing.
Yes, Wayward, I do understand and at times believe I am clawing... but then like today can wake up and be fine. Thank you for your empathetic words.
I would say these are feelings I teeter on and have for awhile now. If nothing else, I don't think I go as 'dark" as I've gone in the past...so possibly, I have learned a thing or two. When I wrote this I was in a frame of mind of wanting to capture it in written form. I am trying to explore my more creative side these days, as it has laid dormant recently. I saw it more as an opportunity to poetically (however poorly done) embrace the feelings, and work on my writing skills.
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