To be seen

I have been staying up late, lately. I continue to do so in a rebellious manner - because I can, and because I am drawn. Embarrassing as it may be for me to admit, I am becoming a late night junkie and flipping like a madwoman back and forth between the talk and entertainment 'news' shows. For what it's worth, I choose Jimmy Fallon over them all. However, I watch just as much for the guests. Who will be the most intelligent, clever, and charming this evening? Who will have that delicate balance between a contrite, humorous, and intelligent response? Who would I hit it off with if sitting next to them on my flight from Saskatchewan to New Zealand?

Here are a few of my observations of why I think I watch the way that I do, and maybe you do to:

They get to dress up, look like 'somebody'. They often have someone, if not some-two or some-three, assisting them with this 'effortless' look. I am a wife and mother of two. My husband is a research librarian and myself a social worker. My opportunities to dress up are minimal. Librarians and social workers aren't exactly known for their fancy dressing and extravagant parties.

Celebrities on talk shows get to make an entrance. All eyes on them as they strut, wave, drift, dance, sashay, dart, meander in and shake hands or embrace. They aren't, in that moment, fighting for anyone's attention - they are automatically given it. They are not waiting for their turn to be noticed in the room. They aren't alone in commanding it. Someone else has commanded it, or prepared the way, for them. Even better! Music, catered to them in some way, carrying them as they go. As I walk in a room there is seldom music, and if so, it was not 'meant' for me. In public, a head may turn but then I think maybe it's because I am staring back, awkwardly, and that is why their gaze lingered.

Celebrities get asked questions. In a span of several minutes they may be asked 5-20 questions about themselves, their lives, likes, dislikes, work, relationship or lack there of, their thoughts (or lack there of), hobbies, mistakes, children, spirituality, politics and philosophy, their food tastes and shoe size... All of this, with little interruption and full attention from others. Generally the only interruption is for the host to ask ANOTHER question?! Albeit, most of these questions are ones that the celebrity has requested be asked of them. But how AWEsome is THAT??? Seriously?! They have our full attention, questions they want to answer, with little-to-no disruption. They get to come off looking charming, sincere, clever, intelligent, self-deprecating, lovely, and just short of a super hero - all in the short span of 5-10 minutes.

If I am not the one asking the questions...I'm lucky if I get 5 'adult' questions asked of me in a day. I get many questions, but they range from, "Can I have an icee?" "Will you buy me one of these?", "Can I call 'Billy' so we can meet up to play Club Penguin on line?", "Do you like my drawing?". The actual garden variety adult questions that I get asked are, "How are you?" "How are the kids?" and "How can I get help paying my rent?" "How do I apply for Medicaid?", "Can I get a bus pass?" to “Do you want cheese with that?” “Cash back?”.

And finally, there is complete understanding that the conversation is all about the celebrity. The host is just there to facilitate. There is no expectation for them to ask a question back to the host?! Nothing prevents them from doing so, however; they just generally don't.

My conversations, my day, is nothing but interruptions. Whether it be a child, a pager, a phone call, a FB chat person who interrupts the flow of my status updates review, or me having sparked someone else's need to talk. It often feels as if I don't get to share anything of meaning about myself. And if I began to share with someone, I seldom get to complete what I was saying because little 'Johnny' just came and asked his mommy to come wipe his bottom.

So I continue to watch, to wish I could be that celebrity... all the while knowing that I am seeing them at THEIR best, wishing it could be my best that someone was seeing. Wishing I had someone to give me style, a band rocking it out as I entered the room, and undivided attention. I dream of what it might be like for my audience to be in a good mood, interested and tuned in; the opportunity for me to be at my best and everyone watching. Me getting to talk about what I want to talk about, no interruptions... therefore I have begun a blog. Maybe to an audience of one, but a girl can dream.