I'd like to think of myself as balanced. Much of my efforts and energies are spent on attempting balance in my life. I have spoken proudly of it to others, possibly even arrogantly... However, most recently I am beginning to question the consequences of this type of living. Am I missing out? Have I inadvertantly deadened myself? Am I living to the fullest? What is "fullest" anyway? How is that determined?
I have begun to question this because I am in a desert of sorts, a mid-life crisis at the age of 36. Nothing particularly exciting is occuring presently. No adventure for myself that I can forsee on my horizon. The sun actually seems to be setting, my brain hardening. Did I mention I am 36? When I think back to the times that were exciting and fun, when I felt alive - there were risks involved. Some were not even "good" times - but I felt alive and life was, well... UN-balanced. There was a crisis, or a catalyst that forced change, movement...something. There was also something to move towards. As I write this I fear some terrible event blindsiding me or someone in my family, and I will wish that I never even thought such things, let alone typed them out. However, I know that I do not long for pain...but growth. I crave movement. I imagine my life as a teeter-totter working so hard to stay level and just letting go to see where it takes me. Except I can't find the handle bars to know where to put my feet up... and I fear the obvious - hitting bottom.
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