I feel as though I could sit and think about this quote for days, maybe weeks, and ponder the myriad of ways this holds true. All it takes is looking at my 'closet' (hole in the wall really), turning on the television, listening to Pandora, looking at Facebook, or walking out the door and I can subtly find myself discontent...or grandly. I hate admitting this. Really I do because it reveals that I am in a weak place. I used to think I was better than this. Actually, I think I was - at least in a better place. It was during a time that Grace rang loudly in my ears. As time and flesh would have it, they seemed to have become deafened, or at least desensitized.
But before you think I am poo-pooing all of these methods of communications and self expression, please know that I am not. I don't believe that it's inherently bad, quite the opposite actually...just that it has the power to amplify wounds already within us and, well, steal our joy in a way that we may not be paying attention. I for one, am becoming increasingly aware of it again and am trying to figure out my place as it relates to technology. Which is partly why I've not posted much lately.
In particular, I am curious of the present and future research on the effects of Facebook, blogs, and twitter, etc in this idea of comparison and thievery. Oh my goodness! Even as I type this I find myself robotically checking FB status updates. *hand slap* Seriously. I can do this without realizing it and without realizing its effects on my spirit. How do you feel when you get off FB or after reading a blog? Do you feel connected? Uplifted? Encouraged or inspired? Known? I can feel these things but I can also feel like a voyeur of sorts. Generally, but not always, I'm seeing the 'good' stuff... or what seems good to me, or what that person believes to be their good stuff. I'm often left wanting what they have in some way... Am I the only one? Or am I reading the wrong stuff maybe?
No, really with FB, tweets, blogs, etc people have created their own personal 'spin' on their life. For the most part it is a micro form of marketing, is it not? It is in large part how the Kardashian's can make $65 million in a year in our society. We're so curious, we want to figure out how we measure up. At least to those we care about, by those we give power to as people of influence in our life. In the name of connectedness, information, and aspiration are we really hurting ourself somehow by following? These days people are able to gain power and influence... and at alarming speed, whether they deserve it or not and whether they want it or not. And, quite simply, some of us are better at it than others.
I'm not knocking it though. I covet it really. That's kind of my whole point. I want what they have; to be heard, but I struggle to believe myself worthy. Now this is terribly embarrassing to admit, because it feels weak - but it's my truth. What's lying underneath this is that I want to be known and validated. I do not believe that this is a bad thing to desire. I believe that this is a God given void, and ultimately God filled. Yet being followed by mere mortals in some way seems evidence of validation. Look how many "likes" they got. I believe this is ultimately not truth, but this is where my struggle lies. There is the tension with this newfound technology between my spirit and flesh. And dare I say that I do not think I'm alone?
Following others status or blogs is just another new way for me, and I'm guessing others, to feel inadequate. I find myself reading others stati? status? statuses? and blogs and measuring. And then when I attempt to write my own...oh MY, the insecurities and feelings that rise up and choke the voice (voice = joy) out of me. So I don't, for fear that they are incomplete, are not clever or flattering, or have been or will be said better by someone else. These are the messages I send myself, often unbeknownst to me. It is quite the feat just to hit "publish post" and pray I spelled everything correctly....like feat. Let alone maintain my authentic voice, my truest self as I know myself to be in this moment. But like everyone else, I am on a journey. I can only do my part in expressing myself as I am presently, with both known and unknown shortcomings included. As I do so in this way, I can only hope that I am not causing anyone else to inappropriately feel discontent, while embracing my own joy. I am not worthy of anyone's covet, and on my better days I do not wish those feelings upon anyone. At my core, my sincere ache is to walk side by side, hand in hand, voice with voice, and ear to ear "as is" on this journey with you.
Sidenote...If I'm going to continue this, I am going to have to work on brevity. (:
1 comment:
You're certainly not alone. There isn't a blogger I've ever talked with who doesn't feel like everyone else is doing a better job than they are.
But it's not a competition really, it's a form of communications. Yes, we all want to be heard, but we shouldn't judge the quality of a conversation by how many people are in it.
Oh, and I couldn't find the link but I recently read a study that linked Facebook with depression for exactly the reason you pointed out. We only see the exciting moments of everyone else's' lives.
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