Far too long...

Oy. It's been too long since I last wrote here. So much has transpired...yet maybe not so much has changed.

However, we may be moving soon. My husband is in the final stage and waiting to hear back about a job in Chicago and flies out Monday for a third interview at another place in Atlanta. This two month process has been nerve wracking, to say the least, and absolutely nothing has happened...at least on my end. I'm not the one having to apply, prepare, and interview while holding down a full time job. By the way, much kudos goes to my husband for maintaining his sanity and remaining his calm, funny, and reliable self during all of this. Though I know it is taking it's toll on him as well.

This waiting, the in between or liminal space, is interesting. It is one of suspension. My brain wants to rationalize and suggest that in this latency I should feel free and buoyant.

La. Di. freaking Da.

Guess what, I don't.

I feel frozen and heavy.

That seems contradictory that I should feel heavy when I'm suspended? All movements feel extremely labored and half committed, like a third of a lunge. It seems like all daily decisions now run through the filter of this ambiguous future. How to answer what the kids will be doing this summer? Why clean that now, when we may have to do it all at once to sell the house? Will this be the last time I see them? Can we commit to this? Oh, and all the strolls down memory lane I've recently taken...

Yet I haven't left, and may not.

Are we staying? Going? Who will I miss? How will the kids adjust? What will I do for a job? What should we sell? Keep? Who will miss us? Can we afford this? Can we not? I imagine my little family in a scene from the Matrix, dressed in black of course, suspended...but we're not dodging anything. At least not yet. We're just suspended, looking around and it's... exHAUSting?

I am assuming that the tension and energy spent is because I am trying to live in the future. My gaze is fixed WAY out in front and all I see is good ole London fog. No amount of effort or squinting helps me to see through the vapor. For now, I'm going to work on putting one foot in from of the other and watching said feet... the haze can't last forever, can it?