To my distressed friends about Mizzou:

To my distressed friends over the recent resignation of Mr. Wolfe at Mizzou, my alma mater: I understand the concerns about what kinds of precedent does this set.

It is incredibly sad that a man had to lose his job over something that could have been dealt with respectfully and thoughtfully by all parties. However, I would also add: Please do not feed the fears about where this will go. I think it's important not to project our fears onto this situation and that they are actually a part of the issue the students raised. Focusing on the fears have a way of perpetuating the actual problem and skewing how we see reality and prevent the continued listening that needs to occur. 

Perhaps we can focus on the listening and the hope of a win-win situation for all?

For what it’s worth, I have agreed and disagreed with both sides on the matter and have been saddened by reactions on both sides as well.

I believe that had Mr. Wolfe truly listened from the onset and responded in a way that the students felt heard we certainly wouldn’t be where we are today as of this writing; Mr. Wolfe jobless and people fearing anarchy on the horizon. At some point it would seem that Mr. Wolfe chose not to take them seriously, or at the very least - if he took them seriously, he didn’t communicate it to them well - which he seems to admit.

And I believe it is at this juncture where people are losing focus and where our unconscious prejudice (aka habits, because it sounds less judgy) reveals itself. Many believe it is unfair that Mr. Wolfe lost his job over this. Maybe. Many are also angry at the students and the way that they have handled this situation. Justified anger? Maybe. Though, while I agree both sides erred, it was Mr. Wolfe’s job to set the tone. I can’t help but think he reaped what his tone sowed.

I also think because of the way the media has reported the Mizzou strike as essentially motivated by “2 racial slurs and a swastika”, many people believe that the hunger strike and demands were ridiculous and ‘sissy’ and the student(s) just need to “grow a pair” and learn to deal with criticism. Which is also likely true. The "they need to learn to deal with criticism" part.

...though I would also remind us that MOST of us are not well equipped to deal with criticism and are thin skinned in some form. I would also argue that any denial of this lacks self awareness on your part. (Much of why our cultures many addictions are a thing and mental health issues like depression and anxiety dominate it is because individual voices got stifled somewhere and many individuals don’t value who they are or what they have to say is ‘enough’... but I digress.)  Point is, a majority of us stink at dealing with criticism.

I believe the students could have done a much better job of documenting and communicating about the occurrences of racism and/or prejudice that they have each experienced at Mizzou. Maybe it’s because it seems so obvious to them they have the inclination to believe that it should be obvious to the rest of us? Maybe there is a document like this that I have not seen?  Maybe it really is only the 2 slurs and the swastika? Anyway, it seems ideal to me that this would have been the next phase, to produce the litany of‘ proof - for all the naysayers, and that this would have occurred prior to a hunger strike and demanding someone lose their job. Ideally this evidence would have been well communicated to the media, after ignored, if in fact the situation needed to escalate in order to be heard. It appears that some important steps may have been missed by the students.

But back to my original point to the value of listening. I can think of many issues I attempted to address poorly in my life, where I was emotional and/or didn’t compile the evidence necessary to convince the person to make the changes I had hoped or to simply acknowledge my experience. I just expected the person to believe me. Immaturity and ignorance at its best, to be sure.

And I mean that.

At. it’s. BEST.

Immaturity and Ignorance are not the enemy. Surely, we can admit, we’ve all been there. Are there?

But when it’s combined with an important matter, why do we dismiss the important matter?

The ISSUE is still a valid and concerning one? Is it not?

If your child starts responding out of anger, their grades go south, and they stop talking to friends - do you instantly jump to blaming them? When a person cries, screams, and throws a vase after revealing a long held secret that they have been sexually abused, is the healthy response to dismiss it and say “grow a pair”? My hope is you would say “no”. Do we blame them for communicating this very valid and real pain “poorly” or do we understand and trust that maybe the pain is great and that the energy needed to communicate well is not a realistic or helpful one? What if we are partly to blame for why they had this painful experience and they are having to tell it to us? Whoa. That makes it even messier and more complicated then doesn’t it? Do we start filling the room with words, run away, or be quiet and listen? Make statements or ask more questions?

The issue the students bring up is valid and concerning, no matter how imperfect/perfect the message.  

It’s not as though the student(s) was saying, “I think we should make prostitution a thing on campus. I’m going to go on a hunger strike!”

So this is where SO many of us make the mistake in our thinking, we ‘shoot the messenger’. We want to blame the one or the few people who speak it out loud or messy. We want to blame Jonathan Butler and accuse him of overreacting, being too sensitive, etc. We make the assumption that the annoying one is the ONLY one that feels this way, he’s experienced it because he is annoying, or that those who feel this way ARE THE PROBLEM and too sensitive. Most of us don’t start from the place of “Where might I be missing something?” or “Can I give them the benefit of the doubt?”  or “What might be the underlying need here that I can help with?” and it takes quite a bit of energy and a lot of work to do this frankly - so many of us don’t. (side note: I can’t believe how long it has taken me to write this whole response, yet shouldn’t be surprised?! Because it takes time and energy to think of other sides and what I might be missing, and to come up with something more thoughtful and thorough.  And still, I know that I will miss valid points to be made and can only hope that my heart will be heard over the rightness/wrongness of my words.)

I'm curious, for those who think that Mr. Butler and the like are being too sensitive, what would it take for you to believe that something should be done? What line needs to be crossed for it to be considered a worthy issue? How many people would you say have to speak up in order to give energy to the matter? What do the students need to say to convince you? Why do you need to be convinced?

In my life and as a social worker I have seen this phenomenon of blaming work itself out destructively in marriages, families, businesses, churches, prisons, politics, government, society…  Otherwise known as scapegoating - and I have YET to meet a SINGLE  person who does NOT participate in this in some form or another, and often - myself included. I am fully aware of the possibility of it AND am just as capable of participating in any given situation if I am not mindful.

Intellectually, we know NOT to shoot the messenger, nevertheless it is our habit, our bias. “They” are bringing something uncomfortable to “me” and it’s not my experience. It is our tendency to ignore, dismiss, or give minimum energy to an issue we deem as insignificant or less pressing to “me”. Based on what I’ve understood thus far, it appears this is Mr. Wolfe’s view. However, I could be wrong...

In the Mizzou incident - I mean, the black population ranks at only 7% of Mizzou. If we’re just purely thinking in numbers it could easily be justified to not put a significant amount of energy towards an issue of this size. Many would not fault an individual for doing so, if say the issue we’re about 7% of students don’t weekly shower. (I’m sure it’s much higher) And I imagine Mr. Wolfe is a numbers kind of guy, which is what has made him so successful to this point. However, could that also be a part of the issue? The fact that he is a numbers guy and yet there is only 7% black students at a state school of 30,000? And that these are human beings. Brothers and sisters. Does that speak to something in terms of numbers?

Blacks represent 11.8% of Missouri’s population, and 13.2% of the country’s. My math could be wrong, it often is - but it looks like in order for Mizzou to be representative of the states demographics they would need to add around 1440 more black students. Another statistic you may or may not be aware of, is that Missouri had a total of 11,854 black people in prison in 2012. Surely these numbers are problematic: 2,100 black students at Mizzou and 11,854 in prison? I can see someone viewing these statistics in one of two ways: “That seems about right.” or “Wow, something is off.” Maybe there is another way to view them? If you were the former, I am sad for you. Now, I know these numbers open up a another can of worms - as it should...but again, I digress and will let you sit with the numbers...

While those numbers aren’t all on Mr. Wolfe’s administration BY ANY stretch, he is “breathing the air” and is complicit by way of his lack of mindfulness around all of it. (Please, please, read this post to understand the last reference) And his response, or lack thereof, only confirmed this.

It is our nature to pay attention when it is something WE care about or someone else makes us care about it because they have more power/influence over us. Practically speaking, it makes sense that Mr. Wolfe seemed to show or communicate little concern over a 7% issue until the football team and $1 Million got involved. However, THAT is the even larger issue, isn’t it? In this day and age that there is only 7% represented at MU and there are 5x more than that in prison. Does it not suggest that maybe the state of Missouri has some unrecognized bias/prejudice/habits of their own? They are sick from the air, and don’t even realize it? Even in this article the author points out how 'diverse' the 30,000 of MU are. Just the fact that the author believes they live in a diverse community where 77% are white, points to a significant level of ignorance. While I realize people groups identified by race and ethnicity are identified as “minority” for a reason - it is also important to carefully look at what we define as diverse. Diversity defined: showing a great deal of variety; very different. 

“Great deal... Very different.” 

So, I’m not really a numbers person as I think I said before, but 77% of the group being white does not qualify. In comparison, my son currently attends a high school where 31% are black, 16% Hispanic, 3.9% Asian, 5% other, and 43% are white. Now that, to me, seems to fit the diversity bill a bit better.

It is a terrible situation all around to be sure and I believe error has occurred on all sides. Nevertheless, I believe it was the actual putting it off, not communicating what was being done to address their concerns, dismissal, or refusing to acknowledge it as a problem to begin with that only amplified the point the students were making. The actual way Mr. Wolfe didn’t respond added fuel to the fire and revealed his ignorance in such matters and is a part of the systemic problem that they are attempting to address.  

To be clear, I do not believe Mr. Wolfe is a bad guy or racist. Nevertheless, with great power comes great responsibility (yep, I went there) - and so much of that responsibility is in the LISTENING. I wish that it didn’t have to come to this. I wish that both sides had more grace and goodwill involved throughout the process. However, I strongly believe that is the leader's job to lay that groundwork, set that example, and he didn’t. A really rough way to learn a lesson, indeed.

I hope through all the noise and arguing we can see the pearl for each of us...

Stop ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing someone with a complaint.

Start listening.  

It's that simple, complicated, and hard.
…. frankly “the how” of listening - is another lengthy topic.

Culturally, and individually, we STINK at it.